Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
