have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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