Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
