I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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