Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
