peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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