I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
What a dumb baby whore.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
