just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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