I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
