I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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