I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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