I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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