am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
