How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize