If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
