I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
