Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
