Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
