I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
