I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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