I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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