Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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