i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize