Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
