Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
