it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We're too hungover to prance.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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