Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
