So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
