the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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