Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
