the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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