Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
