I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
