I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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