The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
