she looked like the before picture.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
