i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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