You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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