i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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