my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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