No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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