I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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