Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
