Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Randomize
