9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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