Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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