I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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