I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I didn't notice because vodka
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize
