life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
