How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
