She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
