I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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