Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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