Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
