my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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