Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Barsexuality is the new black.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I supernannyed him into submission
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
