Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He better not be in your backpack
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
