I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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