i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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