Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
